Maggie's Journal

Brenden is supposed to be going to sleep but instead he appeared in the doorway.

B: Momma? When I lose a tooth, are you and Dad coming in to my room and giving me a $1 or is it the tooth fairy?
Me: Why do you ask?
B: Well, Gray said there is no such thing as the tooth fairy and that it’s just your parents giving you money. And just answer this, have you ever come in my room and given me money?
Me: What do you believe?
B: Tooth fairy. Besides, if you gave me a $1 every time I lost a tooth I’d be trying to loose all my teeth and you’d be out of money.

Hanging on to innocence just a little longer.

The last two years we’ve been wait listed for Hand Camp and gotten last minute invitations to go. The first time we were able to arrange for Patrick and the kids to go. The next time, with one day notice, we couldn’t make it happen. So I was very excited to be outright accepted this year.

The kids and I packed up and hit the road this past Friday. I of course was nervous about not having Patrick there to do all the interacting and you know, having to talk to PEOPLE! After getting stuck in Dallas traffic we did not make the 6:00 arrival time. We placed a call to let them know it’d be closer to 6:30. At this point I of course notice the small note on the map that says, “don’t use gps, google maps, etc they give the wrong directions.” And what was I using to navigate? My phone. But by this point I’m headed a very different direction than the map. So in the back of my mind I’m getting very nervous about getting lost and then being teased about getting lost. As we get near the directions send us down a “road”, back woods country kind of road. Dirt. Rocks. Not gravel. It was narrow and full of twists and turns. We were cutting it close to the cut off for enter camp that night. We were almost out of gas with a total lack of gas stations. So we were all a bit nervous. But guess what? This road lead us right into camp. Safe and sound. We got checked in. Dropped our stuff at our cabin. And then drove the car back out to the remote parking lot. When we realized dinner was only being served for 15 more minutes. And we were about a good 10-15 minute walk away. So what did we do? Ran. And I don’t run. Because the knees. The lung capacity. The ouch How am I this out of shape of it all. But the threat of starving kids and low blood sugar for me….well, as I said, we ran. And we made it just in time. So dinner and “campfire” (burn ban) songs commenced.

Poor Em had been tired since the minute she woke up Friday morning. And then she’d gone to school and ridden in the car and run. We normally eat dinner and head to bed far earlier in the evening. So a few songs in and she was so tired she was asking to go to sleep and crying. It was around 9 when they finally got to bed.

There are 10 people per cabin. The kids made friends with a family in our cabin that had a girl Brenden’s age and a boy Em’s age. All weekend long all I hard was Mei Mei (the little girls name). We’ve already scheduled a playdate since returning home.

On two separate occasions Brenden had meltdowns over other kids killing bugs. His tender heart just couldn’t understand why anyone would do that. So he, Emily, and their new friends (the cabinmates) formed the Nature Club. Because they care about everything on the planet. Even bugs.

Saturday we did the Nature, Sports, Weird Science, and Fishing family activities we’d chosen the night before. Sunday was a cooking class. And in between were breakout sessions for parents with the kids going off into groups based on age. Emily did not like going off with her group with no Mom and no Brenden. We really had a great time and I’m going to miss having the support of Hands Down and Scottish Rite. Saturday night we were up until nearly 10 enjoying the carnival. Well, my kids played in the dirt while others partook in the carnival. And at first I couldn’t drag them away. But then the crying tireds hit Emily again and it was off to bed. Sunday during our cooking class the missing sleep finally hit both kids. We were all supposed to go to one final breakout session, then lunch, then home. But both kids asked if we could leave after cooking. So we did just that. We had a great time, but we were all happy to come home to our own beds.

Tonight as Brenden and I were sitting on the couch together I was playing with his little thumb. It seemed like it had changed shape and so I was just looking at it. Brenden pulled it away and moved away from me. I asked him if me looking at his hand was bothering him. He shook his head yes and then was quiet. A few minutes later he said, “If little thumbie gets angry or sad he hits me.” What does little thumbie get upset about I prompted. “Well, if someone hurts his feelings or something like that. He can’t hit the other person though because what if they blame me?”

As we buckled into the car for school this morning Brenden started telling me about the brain of the forest. It’s a big huge tree in the middle of the forest. “You have to go by car to get there in case you die,” he says. “How did the forest become an occasion for death?” I ask. “Well, wild animals could get you….” more ways to die follow at length. See, you just aren’t safe even on a simple trip to the forest to see it’s brain. Oh, he says, actually, that’s the heart of the forest. The brain is actually inside this metal wall. This kid!

7, almost 8, can seem so grown up at times. But today, when we were at the movie theater, it was Brenden who crawled up in my lap to watch midway through the movie the way that Emily normally does. And for the mom of a boy who never sits still, getting to hold him for a little bit was just perfect. Despite the rain boots digging into my legs!

Brenden last night: I wonder what it’s like to have another child. That belongs in our family and not someone else’s.

Me: You mean like a brother or a sister? (He shakes his head yes) What do you think it’d be like?

Brenden: Awesome!

This morning: I wish I had another brother or sister!

#quotesfromtheboy

Though it’s been some time since anyone but myself cared to publish anything I’ve written, there is a part of me that always considers myself a writer. However, people that I’ve meet in more recent years don’t necessarily know this about me. So I was very surprised at lunch with my grad school friends when one of my friends laid out a business plan for me that involved writing a blog. The idea, she said, was to combine my play therapy and other counseling skills with my writing. She’d been thinking of this plan for me all based on my Facebook updates not knowing that I write. She told me that most of the time when she knows someone is going to post about their kids she skips over it, but not mine, because I’m funny. I know there is currently this belief that people that blog or use social media are narcissistic. I couldn’t really be further from it, so if it sounds like I’m bragging or patting myself on the back that’s not the case. The funny thing is that I always feel like I over post about the kids and I’m conscious of annoying people every time I do it. So 1) it was nice to be told that it’s actually enjoyable (which a few others have told me as well) 2) It reaffirmed that I have some talent with a skill usually only my Momma praises 3) It made me realize I really like to be told I’m funny.

So I don’t know about the business possibilities.But I do know, yet again, I’m reminded how much I want to write here.

In contrast to last weekend, this weekend was non-stop busy. Both kids had a birthday party to attend on Saturday. We woke, bought groceries and presents, attended party one at a bounce house place, attended party two at a mini-golf place and then came home and crashed.

Sunday I had plans to meet for lunch with my friends from grad school. The kids were very excited to have a babysitter. They pointed out that they had not had one in some time. The babysitter this time happened to be the older sister of one of Brenden’s classmates. He woke me Sunday morning to tell me, “I think Natalie’s house is always very clean. I don’t want to be embarrassed if our house isn’t clean. I’m going to go clean the toy room.” And he did. Little did he know, I’d already cleaned the rest of the house the night before with the plan to make the kids clean their rooms and the toy room. Worked right in to my evil plan! MWAH HAA HAA.

Patrick was home this past weekend for the first time in over a month. I had a small list of things I needed him to accomplish because I was physically incapable. The kids had a small list of fun things they wanted to do with Dad. And Patrick had his own small list of things to accomplish. Despite those small lists adding up to trying to squeeze a lot in to a small weekend, we managed to have a very relaxed family weekend. The kids wanted him to see a movie the three of us had seen and wanted to play WII with Dad and to go to the park. We balanced the chores and the fun things, even managing a quick grownup only escape for a moment of gambling. And while we had some chores, somehow it managed not to feel like the normal weekend running around doing errands thing. It was just nice to have time for just the four of us.

Patrick left very early Monday morning while the rest of us slept. The kids woke in good moods. When it came time to take Emily to school the heels dug in. In a big way. She didn’t want to go. She did everything she could to avoid putting on socks and shoes. Once she realized there was no way around it, so put them on, but refused to speak or even look at me until the hallways of her school. I should note, it takes 30 minutes to drive to her school. We hugged goodbye and I asked her one more time to tell me what was wrong. “I’m tired.” was the best I could get. I took a moment to tell her teacher about her mood. The teacher replied, “I guess she just wasn’t ready for the weekend to be over yet.” And it hit me, she was just acting out the very thing I was feeling. I wasn’t ready for it to be over either. I liked our little bubble.

Towards the end of October, over my birthday weekend we went as a family to the annual arts fest down the street from us. It’s the second year in a row that’s been a bit wet and chilly, but we ventured out between the rain. Early in the shopping we came to a booth with jewelry. And as most know, I love jewelry and am always pulled in the direction of something shiny! So we stopped and looked. Right away I found a beautiful beaded necklace that I loved. I had birthday money in my pocket from my parents and was carefully mulling over whether this was what I wanted to spend it on. Brenden walked up and said, “Mom, I think I know what I want to ask for.” No. We hadn’t actually said we were buying the kids anything. Never the less I asked him what it was. And he shyly told me it was the very necklace I had my eye on.

I had to think very carefully about how to react. This was unmistakably a woman’s necklace. Just no denying it. But I’ve made a very big deal to teach the kids that in our family we believe all things can be enjoyed by all people. Obviously, I mean all legal, moral things. Settle down. There are no boy/girl toys. No boy/girl colors. No boy/girl jobs. This is important to me and I am proud they both feel confident about this fact. But the teasing. The teasing that would come when he inevitably asked to wear this beautiful necklace to school. I couldn’t put him through that. I know that I cannot protect him from everything. That he will be teased. That it will hurt, but it will make him stronger. But he’s already such an obvious target. Kids seem mostly to still be pretty nice and protective at this age, but I can’t imagine there are many years of that left. And Brenden is wonderful, but he’s far more adult than kid. He likes talking to adults. He has adults concerns. He uses big words.He’s sensitive. And obviously, though we haven’t encountered it more than a few times, he’s got the hand to be teased about. And his tender heart. I know he’ll end up proving me wrong a million times about what he’ll be able to handle. But I didn’t want him to have to handle that.

So in the best way I could I try to discover why he wanted the necklace. It turned out, he thought it looked very powerful. I think this was some combination of too much Sophia the First and other characters. So I told him that I just didn’t think this was the powerful necklace for him. And though I said nothing about gender he immediately brought up that there is no such thing as a boy necklace or a girl necklace. And I had to agree. And I questioned my judgment. But still, I coaxed him to believe that we would find the perfect necklace for him. I’ll also add, it was a bit more money than I’d normally spend on a child’s necklace, but that wasn’t my main thought process, though I did use that fact to my advantage. Eventually, we found a very suitable, very inexpensive, very cool ring that he decided was the perfect power source. But I could see it on his face he was still mourning the loss of the potential of that necklace. And those it’s over a month later, I still wonder if I did the right thing. And he hasn’t worn that ring since the day we bought it. I wonder if the necklace would have met the same fate.

there,I didn’t feel quite like myself exactly. I think I’m getting there though. So you can expect to start to see things here again. Because it’s in writing that I feel most like myself.

Emily is rapidly approaching 5. One month from today to be exact. I know, you didn’t even know she turned 4 because I haven’t blogged in over a year until recently! I’m trying to be better. Anyway, one month from today. Realizing that made me stop and just take her in for a few minutes. This kid is pretty awesome. A little spitfire with a gentle, loving soul. She will argue with me until she’s blue in the face and then lovingly pat my head or rub my back. She is stubborn. If she decides she doesn’t want to do something there is no changing her mind. As pretty much every kid and parent on her soccer team can attest to. She wanted to practice, but she refused to play in the games without a huge struggle. I mean we begged, pleaded and bribed. And when that didn’t work we carried her out onto the field and deposited her in front of the ball. And most of the time, before we could even turn around, she came running after us and attached herself to our legs. She’s funny and she loves to laugh. Luckily, most of the time she’s pretty easy going. She wants so badly to be independent sometimes and other times she won’t even try to do things herself. Every night at dinner she tells me she doesn’t want what I’m making before she even knows what I’m making. She has developed an intense love for all things Barbie and Disney Princess, but she’s also happy playing more gruesome games with Brenden. She’s shy in groups but will talk your ear off one on one. She’s a total ham. She always asks me to make videos of her and when I try to take a picture of her she makes funny faces. She loves to sing and dance. Pink is her signature color. She has a temper. She loves to cuddle. She insists she doesn’t like, need, or want a nap and then walks in and puts herself to sleep.

One of my favorite things is something that I’m sure she’ll be growing out of soon and I wanted to have written down so I’d never forget. She leaves off the s at the beginning of words. So it’s picy (instead of spicy), chool (instead of school), Pen (instead of Sven), kirt (instead of skirt), and so on. But songs, shirt, shoes, Sadie and Shadow come out correct. Sometimes this is cause for confusion for me until I remember, oh, add an s.

I’m adding to the list:
(s)kittles
(s)kipper

2013 has been rocky. It’s challenged our family with death (both human and animal), planning funerals and lots of talking about death with Brenden, broken bones (4 of mine), numerous health issues for the kids and I requiring lots of doctor visits resulting in many medical bills not covered by crappy insurance, starting insulin, rocky friendships, difficulty finding work, and more. I haven’t spent a lot of time being thankful this year because it’s not always been easy to remember what I’m thankful for. So on Thanksgiving, I wanted to take a moment and remind myself of all those things that I am grateful for. And not just the good things. It’s easy to be grateful for the good things, just look at posts that have appeared on Facebook all month long. But I want to express gratitude for the moments that are difficult, painful, hard to see the good in as well.

1) I’m grateful it took me so long to find a job because it allowed me to take a soul-rejuvinating road trip by myself. Something I’ve never done before and desperately needed after the hard work of grad school. It also allowed me the opportunity to take a cruise with my best friend, something we’d been talking about doing for probably a decade.

2) I’m grateful that once I did find work it’s only part time. While I was very disappointed about this in the beginning, it’s allowed me to start earning the hours I need for licensure while still getting to be here for my kids. I only work when both kids are in school. I got to go to every soccer game, practice, birthday party and other activity that I wanted to. After missing so much the previous two years, I know now that whatever takes me away from my kids has got to be pretty special.

3) I’m thankful for family and friends that I love but don’t get to see or talk to enough because they remind me that there are family and friends that I don’t get to see or talk to at all.

4) I’m thankful for a cat that pees on everything and dog that poops in my dinning room every time I leave the house because they remind me that even a pets life ends and someday I’ll miss these things. (ok, I won’t miss that, but I’ll miss the animal)

5) I’m thankful Brenden’s anxieties and sensitivity that can sometimes be hard to deal with because it tells me I am raising a kind-hearted boy.

6) I’m thankful that Emily argues with me about everything. I’m thankful that she’s got the strongest stubborn streak I’ve ever seen. I’m thankful there is no way to get her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I know this will serve her well in the future.

7) I’m thankful for my husband’s ability to live in what I call his own little world. It sometimes drives me crazy when I think he’s burying his head in the sand, but it’s also one of the things that allows him to be strong, calm and one of the happiest, even keeled people I know.

8) I’m thankful for everything my parents do for my family. Without them, we wouldn’t get to do a great deal of the things we do. And I love that my kids have such a close relationship with their grandparents and get to see them so often. Their help keeps us all sane.

9) I’m grateful for plumbing problems that caused us to strip part of our floor down to the concrete because it forces me to deal with things being less than perfect and to see that it’s all ok even when it’s not perfect.

10) I’m thankful for arguments because they remind me to be honest about how I feel, to stand up for myself, to fight for those I love.

11) I’m thankful for every mistake I’ve made because of the obvious fact that it’s made me who I am, but also because it helps me understand my clients.

12) I’m thankful that people trust me with their stories, even their most painful and darkest ones.

13) I’m thankful for my sense of humor, it’s seen me through so much.

14) I’m thankful for the love, encouragement and support of my big sister.

15) I’m thankful for nice people. People that are unexpectedly nice for no reason, no reward.

16) I’m thankful to have a best friend that sticks with me even when we don’t agree on big things.

17) I’m thankful for my social awkwardness and the way I get tongue tied because it reminds me that I can communicate very well through the written word.

18) I’m thankful that my diabetes has been so easy to take care of up until this point. I’ve been lucky. And now that it’s harder it reminds me to take my health more seriously.

19) I’m thankful for little hands. Being exposed to these kids with special hands has taught me a great deal about what it means to be different and to be resilient. And it’s allowed me to be amazed by the things my son can overcome every day.

20) I’m thankful for quiet moments. My parents kept the kids over night so that I could work and clean and prepare to host Thanksgiving and Patrick ran the Turkey Trot this morning. For a few hours I had the most peaceful Thanksgiving morning. Over the past few years I’ve learned how important quiet moments are to my day.

21) I’m equally thankful for the noisy chaos that descended on my house before I could finish this post because it reminds me I’m loved.

Ok, with this post I am officially caught up. Until Emily starts school this week!

Brenden has made it through his first week of first grade. He was so excited up until the night we went to meet the teacher. He suddenly wanted to know why the teacher wanted to meet him. Once we got there he became shy. He told me he wasn’t going to tell anyone his name that night. “What if they laugh at my name?” he asked. I assured him his name was awesome since I myself had picked it and that no one was going to laugh at his name. “What if they laugh at my hand?” he asked. Why would anyone laugh at your hand I replied, since he’s never asked me this. “What if they’ve never seen a little hand like this before?” was his reply. Again, I assured him that if the kid’s hadn’t ever seen a little hand like his before, they were going to be very impressed.

By Monday he was excited. On the way into school he was asking to be reminded of his teacher’s name. “I’m not going to call her that today.” Ok, honey, you don’t have to today (it’s a little trick for kid), but we should practice it. This conversation took place at the exact moment that I’d asked him to pose for a picture outside his classroom. The result is that he looks adorably terrified!

The new class has a color system. If he gets blue on his calendar that means he had an excellent day. If he gets green, it means he had to walk 2 lapse at recess time. The next color down is walking half of recess, the next all of recess ending with red meaning class removal. The first day Brenden came home with blue. The following two days he came home with green. For TALKING! Which is a constant thing at home, but never been a problem at school. Tuesday he also had a problem following directions. So when Wed. was only marked green for talking we tried to emphasize that he had at least improved! You see, poor little guy was feeling pretty awful that he hadn’t gotten blue. We had told him after the first day that while we never wanted to see red, and we preferred to see blue, we knew he was going to have some days were he got a green and that was ok as long as he was trying his best. But we did try to stress the DUDE—stop talking thing. So he’s now convinced that if he gets red or gets green too many times we will hate him. I’m happy to report that Thursday and Friday he was back to blue though. Oh, and Friday was free snow cone day. So you know, good first week!

Now, let’s see if I remember how to place actual photos here without a link:(if you’re viewing updates obviously the answer is no, I don’t remember!)

During the two weeks between my summer semester and the start of my fall (and FINAL!) semester we took a few days and drove down to Galveston for the weekend. The kids had a good time on our trip last year and we really liked where we stayed, so we booked it again. This time, we actually got an ocean view instead of a street view, which made the balcony all the better! We all had a nice time. We swam. And this time, both kids loved the water and fearlessly went out in the waves. We made endless sandcastles that were then knocked down by what Brenden said were the screaming bullets that just couldn’t help themselves. Luckily the nice bullets did try to protect all Mom and Dad’s hard work! Note: We really have to buy some of those buckets that make the sandcastle shape for you! We even fished. Though I can’t say the kid’s enjoyed it much longer than it took for me to snap a few pictures of them with poles. Emily was clingy and wanted to be held the whole time. Brenden was upset that after two or three casts he still hadn’t caught any fish. Patrick kept having to put bait on poles and barely got any fishing done. And just before the thunderstorm started to look too threatening, I caught an eel. Not what I was hoping to catch, but it was the ONLY thing we caught at that point. Patrick did go back for some night fishing and catch a couple though. And we saw a guy catch a little shark, which was cool. We even got to visit with a friend on the way down and then Kelli came and at dinner and played on the beach with us for a little bit one evening.

On our way home we stopped at the space center again too. We also stopped and took some pictures of the giant Sam Houston statue.

Good trip.

Pictures here.

The photos here are just random moments from May-August of this year.

The kids were busy this summer. Two weeks of outdoor swimming lessons for both, ballet for Emily. Cuddles, hikes, fun times with their babysitter, their grandparents, and oh yeah, us, their parents!

Brenden has spent the summer in a constant state worry about things he doesn’t ever want to do (stick his head underwater, get a shot, get eaten by a shark, go in a waterfall, go in a whirlpool, get diabetes, have wires hooked up to him, die). He has this list on a loop and repeats it all several times a day. He is very bright and has an amazing imagination. When channeled properly he uses this imagination to tell us the most amazing stories complete with chapters with titles and usually some sort of heroes journey. However, the opposite extreme leads to 1001 questions about “what happens when” which 99 times out of a 100 the answer to which is death. Which then starts the loop of “I never wanna”. I completely admire his curiosity, his need to know how things work, his imagination. But combine that with his endless energy and this poor introverted momma is left very exhausted at the end of the day! He is also showing big amounts of empathy with his tender little heart. He is so much Patrick in so many ways, but he is also me.

Emily is very chatty. She has officially entered the “why” and “what” stage. She seems to not grasp waiting for others to finish talking before she starts. To be fair, Brenden is almost always talking! She’s full of energy, and spunk, and temper, and sweetness. She gives amazing hugs, and food covered kisses. She likes to be tucked in at night. She loves to laugh. She loves to pretend. She will do anything big brother is doing, so thank goodness he is such a good kid. She will argue with you about absolutely anything. Often, she will gladly do whatever it is she’s just argued with you about immediately afterward.

I had one whole week of vacation between my spring and summer semesters. Maymester—not a good idea! During that week Patrick and I went to NYC to celebrate our 10 year anniversary. We realized it had been way too long since we’d been there, about 5 years. And we had originally promised ourselves we’d go back once a year! So off we went and had a great time too. We got to eat at our favorite places, see friends, visit favorite spots like Central Park, and do some new things too like walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. We also go to go see Wicked in very good seats and we loved it!

Pictures:

The kid’s school makes a pretty big deal out of the end of the school year in general, but an even bigger deal about kindergarten graduation. Brenden really loved his time at his little school and we were so sad to see his time there end. I was pretty sad on the last day that I took both kids to school together for the last time for a few years. We are so glad that we made the choice to keep Brenden in a small school for kindergarten. He continued to struggle a bit with handwriting for the first half of the year. He was very quiet in class but would talk his teachers ear off durning any sort of break. At the half-way point she told us he was hesitant to join group, answer questions in class and would sometimes hide his hand (something we’d never seen him do). By the last few weeks of school he was making 100’s on most of his spelling tests, writing pretty well, reading and being asked to be QUIET during class. Yeah, that’s more like the Brenden we know! He really bonded with his teacher so I thought he’d have a tough time leaving, but he took it very well. When we realized how busy and crazy my summer school schedule was going to be we gave him the chance to go back to his teacher for the summer or have a babysitter and he choose a babysitter, saying that he was done with kindergarten now!

Anyway, back to graduation. The kid’s had to paint self-portraits and make a poster answering questions about themselves which were then put on display the night of graduation. They also had to memorize a short speech about their favorite subject, what they want to be when they grow up, and where they were going to first grade. Brenden was up second for this speech on graduation night and froze up a bit, but was really cute in his shyness.

And, again, these pictures have been around, but here they are again.

Brenden has been six for almost 4 months now. It’s hard to remember the exact feeling we had when this occurred since some time has past and things have once again changed in that way that things constantly change when you have growing kids. What I do remember is this feel that his birthday occurred and a new and improved version of Brenden appeared. Not to say that he wasn’t already amazing, but there was this huge, instant change in him. He started melting down less. He stopped fighting with his sister over toys as much. He started being much more helpful in general and more specifically with his sister. I started hearing him try to keep her out of trouble and try to teach her things.

As is the tradition we began last year we had a family party the weekend before his actual birthday and then his friend party the weekend of. The friend party was at a bounce house again this year at Brenden’s request. I think Brenden had a pretty great time at both parties!

And even though I know I posted some pictures in various places, here they are again.

Ok, I’m going to begin the catching up process. Finally. So look for several entries to come over the next few days. After all, Brenden started first grade today and I can’t very well write about that before writing about him turning six or graduating from kindergarten!